Dad

Dad is pretty awesome.When he's not on drugs.All my life he's been an addict.All his life too.He's 34.I'm 18.Do the math you lazy.He was always sort of this entity.He came and went,no matter where I moved around to he always just knew where to find me.He always came in his own time of course.I never knew much about him other than he was my father and I loved and missed him.He'd been in jail until about about three years ago.I knew what for,I just wouldn't admitt it.I never understood the man until he finally came to live with us.My grandpa,Samuel,Joana,and Niki.I thought things would be good.He'd been in jail and off drugs for nearly five years.He promised things would be better.I of course being fifteen believed him.

I never suspected what kinds of things he could be hiding and burried way down.We were practically strangers,and we had alot to catch up on.All my years of moving around had caught up and we spent all our time talking.Of course while he was in prison we wrote each other and he would send hand made cards and beaded things to me on birthdays that I didn't celebrate.But he never saw me grow as a person,and he expected to see a baby when he came home.I was nearly eleven when he left me.I'd done alot of growing up since then and he still doesn't know how much.For a year almost things were good.We were a little family getting back together,still in the good intentions phase.

I'm not exactly sure when it was he started using again.Maybe around the time he and his girlfriend Melissa(whom he met at his probation officer's appointment how romantic) up and left him.There were subtle changes in him I guess,and I just didn't see.He drank,and he smoked ciagarettes again.I think he may have done weed for a bit but decided it wasn't enough.He became this man just existing without real purpose or destination.It was like he was living in whatever satisfaction the immediate moment gave him,and then crashed hard when it was gone.He started forgetting important things,staying out late and sleeping all day.He wasn't normal and I knew it.I didnt realize how bad he was.

Now my father has made one big mess.He caused my grandfather the family buisness,got three vehicles reposessed before he could ever hope to pay them off with my grandpa's help of course.He kept getting busted for minor things.I secretly wished they would keep him and get him clean again for a year or two.When he met Priscilla it got worse.He's this quiet person who cracks jokes and jets off at the drop of a hat.He doesn't know what he's doing half the time and I always felt I needed to take care of him and protect him from himself.He hurt me all the time.Emotionally,though I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose.He just didn't-couldn't care about anything anymore for whatever reason.Talking him so many times,I had it in my head that I could save him.

I was so sure I could.I promised God that if he helped me I would give anything.I wanted my father to be well.He's a sick man and he has self destructive tendencies.The drugs have him bad and they've the only way he can handle himself through the day.We won't talk about it because his first instinct is always to run.Get in his car and go.He wants to hide and he wants to leave.He has always been that way.I often wonder about the young man he was when he was with my mother.The one my grandmother would sometimes talk about.His faded green eyes rimmed in red are really hard to meet.I don't have a relationship with him,though I thought I did once.Still I talk nice and I try my hardest to let him know I'm still here and still waiting for him.I know he feels like he has no one.Not Pricilla and not his father.

I can see why he cracks jokes and why he is always looking for quick cash instead of getting a real job.All the hurt he's caused,and the damage he's done to my family.I now have to keep this wall between us.So I don't get hurt anymore.So I don't have to cry or worry or be angry.I don't want to feel anything for him but a daughter's love.I'll do anything for him,but he can't seem to let go of the addiction.He can't seem to come to terms with whatever he's hiding.It makes me sad for him still,even though I tell myself I don't care anymore.I'm lying through my damn teeth.I  do.

So I am going to start this year off with a blog.I have a lot of stuff floating around in my head and I don't know how to get them out other than putting them into tangible form.I'm too much of a wimp to actually write these things down so I figured what safe place than the Internet?!Am I right?Yeah well I have so much to blog and I don't even know who would want to read.But I guess I'm just doing this for me right?Sort of like a time capsule.Hopefully I'll be changed and I won't need to come here to hide and rant.Maybe one day I might be able to express all that I feel with my own voice.A loud unafraid confident voice.Still working on that.Also still working on a new me!Exercising and doing sports and drama :)

So I think I should start explaining about myself to..well whoever(in some random misfortune0is reading this.My name Is Sylvia Jimenez.Due to a long complicated story that I will slowly be blogging I ended up living in the desert with my grandpa and three siblings.I love writing poetry and drawing and blasting music till my ears hurt.I am eighteen and a senior in high school.I want to help children or animals in the future.I also want to be an all round better person some day.So much stronger than I am now.I'm the type of person who can be stuck on the same song all day and wrestle with my friends in the dirt.I love sign language and colorful socks.

People are my interest.I have this need to understand the people around me.I ask a lot of questions but also watch most of the time.I rarely let people in close enough to see me whoever I am.I know I have huge trust issues and tend to block out people out who put me out of my comfort zone.People who kiss and hug make me uncomfortable be it couples,friends,or family members( my own).I can't be very close physically to people without cringing inside and try to pretend everything is okay.I don't like people to touch my skin.It's either to painful or too intimate to handle.

I spend too much time at school and I love anything to do with nature and adventure.I have a bucket list somewhere I can't find,and I'm a huge procrastinator.I also get bored easily and space out into my own world constantly.I don't have time for most people,but somehow make time for the ones I love.I love living in the moment and do everything to avoid thinking about tomorrow.I'd rather read than party,and to be honest I'm terrified of intimacy of any kind.I love baking at midnight,waking up at 3am and paint,and singing at the top of my lungs.I love food and chocolate milk.I love drama.Acting is pretty awesome for me.I hate when people touch me and I'm not very affectionate.I am currently under construction of my own genius! I laugh really loud and blood makes me uncomfortable.I'm also terrified to death of being kidnapped.

I can't think of much else to say about myself other than I'm hungry for something.Something I'm not sure how to find.Something is still missing and I am scared to find out hat exactly.